Shuttup-a-your Face, Miss Q

I confess that I don't understand what it's like to be shy. I'm very outgoing and love love LOVE to make friends. I still know people from middle school. I like old people. I enjoy the company of my neighbors. I make chit-chat with total strangers in the grocery store and in the dentist's office. So maybe I'm SLIGHTLY biased while writing this.

But when people refuse to be friendly, act alienated and complain about not being part of the crowd, I have absolutely no sympathy for them when they make NO EFFORT to be included.

Situation 1: I invite people for a get-together in the yard. Miss Q decides that her invitation was a "pity invite" and doesn't show up. While we're at the BBQ, the group of us decide to go to a movie the following week.

Situation 2: We go to the movie. Miss Q finds out and is horrified and offended she wasn't told about the event. She thinks we're rude and she rolls her eyes at us at the mailbox. But she doesn't tell ANYONE her feelings are hurt. We figure she's just having a bad day...

Situation 3: This same group of neighbors/friends get together for last-minute late night smoothies a week later. We get a booth in the back of the smoothie place and laugh like teenagers because we're having such a good time. Coincidentally (really a coincidence, she wouldn't have known we were there otherwise...) in walks Miss Q and her husband, Mr. Dirty Looks, and they stare us down as if we have committed some sort of a crime against them. Dirty Looks makes awkward chit-chat with some of the husbands and tries to play it cool before his wife leads him out in a huff.

Things just go downhill from there.

(ahem...)

Dear Miss Q:

YOU WERE INVITED TO THE BBQ! WE WANTED YOU THERE! Stop acting so damn picked on and either come when you're invited, act like you're still our friend, and reciprocate the invitation! Friendship is what you make of it, and you've made a MESS of this one, sister.

Holy hell.

Love, "WHY?"

HEEED, MOVE, NOW.

I confess, I love my baby. I think he looks so cute with his fly away hair and big head. But seriously, why the friggin' big head? WHY? That thing is the poor kid's downfall in almost everything he attempts. Why did God find this particular trait necessary in the design of new people? Every other part of their bodies is tiny and grows with them, some things faster than others, so why not let the head grow at a more adult-proportioned rate? It's ridiculous, they start not being able to hold up that giant bowling ball head, at first because their little rubber necks don't work yet (and admit it, if you spent nine months curled up in a tank of water your muscles might be a tad weak, too), but later, their necks are plenty strong, but the poor things are unfairly top heavy.

I fully understand that humans are the slowest intellectually developing species on Earth, we have the most to learn. But the giant head is completely unnecessary, and frankly quite dangerous. Babies find a nice supply of water to splash in, but in all their delight at their seemingly harmless discovery, they unknowingly run the risk of drowning in the toilet, because were they to fall in, there is no way they could lift that bulbous noggin out of the pot.

Moments ago my little numb-skull fell end over end down the stairs. Poor, poor big headed baby.

He needs a nap, I'm going to lay him on his "gargantuan pillah".

Summer is overrated.

I confess. I think it's too friggin' hot outside. I remember all winter (there was no Spring this year) thinking that I couldn't wait until summer so that I could wear shorts and get a tan and be outside all the time.

This has not happened.

It's TOO HOT.

I go outside with a book, unable to find shade in my ill-shaped yard and return sweaty and frustrated. I'd make a comparison to other times I've been sweaty and frustrated, but this is intended to be a family-friendly blog. So I will instead go on...

Parks always seem like a good idea, but are over-run with children and people who shouldn't be allowed to go out in public, wearing clothes that are too small and letting it "all hang out" simply because it's hot. I can't handle it. Parks are out.

I'm too poor to frequent water parks, and seriously, who cares about the middle school crowd anyway? I've tried the zoo, our city's outdoor concert series, they are still too humid and warm. But because the sun is out I hate being indoors, and my basement is freezing anyway, why is there NO MIDDLE GROUND?

Don't even get me started on Autumn.

FUNNY

I confess. I think I'm funnier than I am. I'll write a letter or an email or a comment on someone's blog. It SOUNDS funny in my head, I WRITE it the best way I know how, but still, ineveitably, it loses it's humor once I've hit "enter" and stopped to think about it. I think this started in the 10th grade on yearbook signing day...

"That's one doodle that can't be un-did."

Hypocrite

I confess. I preach and preach against things that I actually do in my own home. Nothing serious, just chit-chatty advice I share with friends and coworkers while we're going on and on about nothing...

...I bring this up because right now my hands smell like a dirty dish rag.

I HATE sponges and dishrags in the kitchen sink. I've told people this for years and given them pages of reasons why. I hate the smell of them, I hate that once you use them you have to wash them immediately, and I HATE HATE HATE the thought of all the germs attached to them.

I currently have a sponge AND a dish rag in my sink right now. And quickly, before coming up to the computer I washed off the counter and table. And as I threw the rag back in the sink my hand passed my face and it stunk more than anything I can even describe. You all know what smell I'm describing, come on, admit it. It's old and rank and musty and is disgusting. I've washed my hands twice and I can still smell it through the Bath and Body Works "Lovely Cherry Jubilee Carnival of Delight" soap. (No. That's not the name. I'm just guessing.)

Look, all I'm saying is, hypocrite or not, you should take a girl's advice and NOT use disease-ridden sponges and dish rags. Stick to Clorox and Lysol wipes, throw them away and call it a day.