PTA FUNDRAISERS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I confess that I am IRRITATED. Today was my children's first day of school. FIRST DAY. They came home with "All about me" papers, were excited about being able to eat in the lunchroom for the first time, and handed me a 5,000 page brochure full of things to buy for their "BACK TO SCHOOL FUNDRAISER!" Attached was a letter trying to guilt all the parents into buying magazines, Happenings Books, cookie dough and who knows what else?

And here's the kicker: The kids only get prizes if they sell more than ten items. TEN! COME ON! A roll of wrapping paper is 15.00!

NOOOOOO. It gets better: Only 45% of the proceeds go to the school. So my children come home excited about harassing our elderly neighbors into buying crap they don't want so that MY kids can get a fifty-cent kaleidoscope out of the deal. And their school gets 45%.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I have a headache. I knew getting the kids back into school would have a downside, and I think this is IT.

I just don't understand...

I confess. I read it. I did. I read THEE book, the one all women are talking about. Much to my chagrin. I'm not sorry that I read it, it's a good story. I just fear that some one might lump me in with the ridiculous masses of women who are swooning over a vampire. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but I feel compelled, NAY, a duty to inform you that...brace yourself...vampires aren't real. I'm sorry. Have I now destroyed all hope? Tainted your once hopeful look upon humanity? IT'S A BOOK. Stop lining up in droves for the next installment, stop talking about how much you love Edward in chat rooms, stop wearing effing t-shirts proclaiming that real men suck blood or sparkle or whatever. Come ON. I cannot in good conscience insist that some friend read this for fear that they may fall victim to it's unnatural tendency to cause women to lose the ability to think reasonably. Everyone take a deep breath...and stop being stupid.

BUGS BEWARE

I confess that I'm just not a bug/arachnid person. Ants, spiders, mosquitoes, creepy-crawlies of any kind- I'm just not a fan.

But the absolute number ONE bug on my hit list is the fly.

Flies. Why???!!!!! They are doing us no good, they're contributing in NO WAY. They're landing on poop, hovering around garbages, flying in buzzy circles around our heads, flying into computer monitors like the COMPLETE morons they are, and then suddenly I'M the bad guy when I pull out the swatter and take aim. I've had more than one person tell me I should gently help it outside to preserve it's life.

REALLY?
To all those I've offended, I offer this: "HA-HA-HA."

I'm going to kill those bug-eyed little buggers and I'm NOT going to feel bad about it. They came in MY house, ruined MY dinner, and they are going to pay.

I mean really...it's not as if I just go around outside snatching the poor things out of their habitat and kill them. We're talking about MY space, MY home, MY choice.

So bugs beware: ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. This woman is going to play dirty.

WIPE OUT.

I confess, I LOVE watching people fall down. I feel like it's so wrong to enjoy it so thoroughly, but I can't make myself care. It's so funny!! Usually, if I see it in person I feel more sympathy and look away (but there was that one time in high school that that girl fell down the stairs and I was laughing so hard that my friend covered my eyes and guided me away before anyone could see what an ass I was making of myself. She was a good friend.), but particularly if the biff is on t.v., I guffaw unattractively like I've never seen anything funnier. Something about an adult losing control of their bodies and flailing like a rag doll being thrown down the stairs is frickin' hilarious. If they break a bone I don't laugh- I don't wish pain on people, just abject humiliation.

One of my favorite shows of all time is MXC (most extreme elimination challenge). Real Japanese game show + lots of mud + people dressed like idiots + sarcastic American commentary + lots and lots of falling down = ha ha funny. And now there is a new show on ABC called Wipe Out. This show is falling down GOLD. People face plant every 20 seconds. It's one of the very best reality shows of all time. At one point they give ten contestants a big lunch, then they put them on a spinner, get 'em real real dizzy, and then make them race across a balance beam over a pool of water. Genius I tells ya, genius. My husband and I laugh ourselves sick. (Side note: "I Survived a Japanese Gameshow" is totally lame, don't waste your time.)

I'm actually gonna go watch an episode right now on ABC.com- join me : http://abc.go.com/player/?channel=114932&campaign=DIS05isajgs&pn=index&cid=rm+summer+google+ABC

Hahahahahahahaha, sigh...... don't fall down in front of me, or you'll realize I'm not as nice a person as you once thought.

Don't call me Ma'am.

I confess that I almost killed the poor guy at the grocery store today for calling me Ma'am. I just wanted to shout, "Hey, grocery store man...DON'T CALL ME MA'AM!"

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No really, DON'T. (Dirty glare.) I think the only time I've hated something worse is when a man I adored and saw on a regular basis (I'll add that he was just a few years older than me) used to call me "Kid." I was not a kid then and I AM NOT A MA'AM NOW! I am young and vibrant and just because I have a few children does NOT mean I fit into the category of a ma'am. Let me show you why being called these names bother me so much:

Ma'am:

Old Lady.

Mother of twenty.

Completely frazzled.

Bags under her eyes and nurses shoes.

Says things like "Sonny" or "Here's a nickel for your trouble."

Kid:

Someone you will never have any romantic interest in.

A girl you don't think has curves or is good-looking in any way.

Someone you don't see as an equal.

A girl that couldn't possibly have an opinion or point of view that matters because even if she did, she's too young for it to count.

See? I may be irrational. I may even be ridiculous. But I am NOT a Ma'am.